How to Convince Your Friends About Gun Control: A Guide for Liberals and Conservatives

 

In these trying times, it is important to remember how to convince people instead of repeating whatever a news anchor, who makes thirty thousand dollars a day, says. When liberals are trying to make it so that machines that can only kill are somehow controlled; And conservatives insist that they are responsible enough to have the power to kill sixty people at a time, when it is called for, and approved by NRA fanfiction.

 

I did not use the words debate, argue, or bait your friends in my title because these things just burn out all the normies. Public comments run them ragged and they just learn to ignore them. Normies are on social media so they can feel like they put time into caring about their relatives before tabbing over, jerking off, and watching TV. This is an advantage to the pro-murder machines because our culture has trained us to think that guns show strength and sexiness, even though guns made peasant armies possible, the poorest and least sexy people taking out the handsome knights and Samurai that studied warfare and worked out their whole lives. The message that nothing is wrong, go ahead and masturbate instead of caring, works.

 

Like some shitty emotional pathos metaphor, you have to lick the person’s elephant’s scrotum before you can blow the rider and they’ll leave their sticky agreement all over your face. You have to appeal to a person’s values and emotions first. You have to make it a private conversation and focus in on their sensibilities. For libtabs, this means talking about how they don’t like hearing about dead children on the news and more machines of death can only make things worse. For conservatabs, this means getting all weepy about the price of freedom. You have to endear yourself to them and tell yourself if every American didn’t have a gun they could easily kill with; thus increasing the lethality of arguments, accidents, and suicide attempts; then… the sentence is really hard to finish after that. What do we need guns for? In case someone gets in the house we can kill them really easily instead of turning on a light switch and scaring them away or a bunch of ninja break in the house, in which case the semi-auto and full aftermarket auto are necessary. Or overthrow the government that uses drone strikes and bombs. Maybe not that government. Maybe like if a smaller one comes around and tries to push you around, you can hold up Utah cult style. So, you need to endure all of the most easily accessible murder just in case you need to Red Dawn, Red State, Death Wish, Happiest Little Whore House someone to death with it.

 

That last point spilled a little into logic, which is the third persuasion but also mostly worthless. Worthless to the righty because you didn’t use logic to come to a conclusion and none of the facts support you. If you do have a source, don’t dwell on it. Just link to someone pretty much saying the same stuff as you with fewer facts and call it a source. For you lefties, too sourcey. You like long-winded explanations so much that trolls can get you writing masterworks for hours by mostly misunderstanding you and accusing you of killing babies or some stupid shit every other comment. Your reality fan fiction, The West Wing was all about a world where long-winded talkers win arguments by long-winded talking. You’re so dependent on your logic like more guns mean more deaths and here are a million statistics about it, that you don’t make an argument that people can feel.

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